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It's either too avant garde or not avant garde enough.

What you say:

I’m sorry, that book is checked out until March, but you can place a hold request on it and be the next in line to check it out.

What they must hear:

HAIL SATAN!

What you say:

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to check these books out to you; there’s a block on your library account for overdue fines. You can fill out an appeal if you feel there’s been a mistake, or you can pay the fine now. I can hold these for you until you’re ready.

What they must hear:

I will kill all of your puppies. All of them.

What you say:

Hi, can I help you with anything?

What they must hear:

Feel free to treat me like the scum I clearly am! For I am a lowly worm beneath you, not even lucky enough to lick your shoe.

People. For the love of cute, adorable animals, y’all have got to stop.