It’s hard being the anti-Christ of the library system.

What you say:

I’m sorry, that book is checked out until March, but you can place a hold request on it and be the next in line to check it out.

What they must hear:

HAIL SATAN!

What you say:

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to check these books out to you; there’s a block on your library account for overdue fines. You can fill out an appeal if you feel there’s been a mistake, or you can pay the fine now. I can hold these for you until you’re ready.

What they must hear:

I will kill all of your puppies. All of them.

What you say:

Hi, can I help you with anything?

What they must hear:

Feel free to treat me like the scum I clearly am! For I am a lowly worm beneath you, not even lucky enough to lick your shoe.

People. For the love of cute, adorable animals, y’all have got to stop.

It's either too avant garde or not avant garde enough.

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